The perfect Patriots?

So the New England Patriots have gone undefeated, and are one week away from possibly attaining a perfect season. After they beat the Chargers in the AFC championship game, I lost interest in this story. Until I learned a dark secret. A secret that before now, has gone unspoken except by those who first concocted this scheme in the preseason. Yes, you guessed it. The Patriots perfect season was actually conceived by George W. Bush and the neocons in order to solidify their power and stranglehold over America. The evidence is there, and it’s so coincidental, that it has to be true. I am going to bust this evil wide open, and show the world what really happened. The truth.

Think about it. It has been 7 years since George Bush was sworn in as President of the United States. Everyone knows that once people are in power, people just want more power regardless to the cost, or lack of necessity for it. It’s just what people do. So what better way to show and consolidate his power than by causing something that has never happened before. And like any top-secret government plot, they left clues behind. Unfortunately no one was able to uncover these clues until now. And here they are for you’re truthiness pleasure.

Lets look at the team he chose first off. The Patriots. My God, its so simple. It was right in front of our eyes. The New England PATRIOTS. What team could be considered more American, that one whose mascot is exactly what every red blooded American is “Supposed” to be. What better way to subtly consolidate the grip on America. So many said that going for a perfect season couldn’t be done. Much like winning the war in Iraq. A bold statement by President Bush, subtly showing that the impossible is possible. A little convenient if you ask me. It’s a little too much of a coincidence. But what arguments is valid without proof. Well, here is your so demanded proof.

Here is what first tipped me off to the Patriots conspiracy. As I said before, every government agency leaves behind clues when they do their evil. Take a look at the Patriots numbers. If you add up numbers of:

Tom Brady, Randy Moss, Wes Welker, second string QB Matt Cassel, Junior Seau, every offensive lineman on the roster, running backs Kevin Faulk and Lawrence Maloney, second string QB Matt Cassel again, practice squad defensive tackle Santonio Thomas, Asante Samuel, Donte Stallworth

And subtract Chad Jackson’s number you get 911. Yes. I know, it was so obvious, how could anyone miss it? But there is even more. Take a standard, 20 dollar bill.


Now fold it once in half horizontally.

Now fold it in half again vertically.

Now fold it diagonally in both ways.

Now spiral both ends together, so it turns into something resembling a handlebar moustache. Take the two “moustache ends” and tie them together in a Langford double knot. If you did it correctly, it should come out looking like this:



I know, I passed out briefly when I saw it first too. Its like Chris Angel came in and mind fucked you. So now that this conspiracy is out in the open, its time to spread the word. Just make sure you don’t go the route of Bill Belichick. Yes, in every government conspiracy, there is required one scapegoat. Like the Taliban on 911, someone has to be to blame. So George Bush pushed the heat on Coach Belichick early on by easily planting fake cameras to place blame on good old Bill. How else could someone so lovable, so hobo like do something wrong? He’s never done anything shady in his football career, why would he start now? Therein lies the fault of your plan, Mr. Bush.

So there you have it. The conspiracy revealed. But on a serious note, this is what conspiracy theories sound like to me. Absolute lunacy. Seriously, coincidence does not show causality, get your dicks out of your mouths, and learn how to formulate an argument.

Available upon request

Here's some advice for those of you who have resumes. Take a look at it, go to the bottom. No, after where you list education. If it says "References available upon requests" take it off, you look like an idiot. Of course your references are available, if they're not, you don't get the job. I'm not biting into those who list they're references, which I hear is quite common on CVs. Putting "references available upon request" is so asinine and redundant. If the company wants your references, they'll ask. They don't need you to prompt them with that little bit of assurance that it is ok for them to ask for your references.

I'm probably getting worked up over something stupid, but for someone who screens resumes from 8-6 everyday, I hate reading over a great resume that finishes up with "references available upon request." No shit they are. Despite your 5 years of being a benefits strategist, you still look like an idiot to me. Whats even worst, some people (usually the same as the aforementioned) also decide for some reason to put down their interests and hobbies. Unless you're applying to be the local jackass, and are catering your resume as such, no one cares if you're an avid golfer or a bike enthusiast.

So the moral of the story, you only have a few pages to make your paper debut, don't use the space to look like an idiot.

Hey, a blog!

Well, to update everyone, I have a job. Yes, everyone's favorite biweekly blogger about being unemployed is no longer unemployed. The irony that really twitters my knickers, (yes, I did just make that up) is that my job is to help people find jobs. I work at a staffing firm that specializes in staffing human resource jobs. So for 3 months of frustration and not finding a job, I am being trained in how to be an expert in exactly that, finding jobs.

So that is the excitement in my life. But now comes down to the real purpose of this blog. Being the egotistical writer that I am, I assume that everyone reading my blog wants to make sure that I am still going to continue writing. So I lay the problem at the feet of my readers. What should I write about now? The brief brainstorming that I have done with myself and others, has lead me to the following ideas. A few notes though, I don't like to blog for the sake of updating people on my life. If you want to know that, ask me. I feel a blog should have a topic, or several. I can do both honest posts, or satirical. The choice is yours faithful viewers!

Here are the ideas I or friends have come up with,

- Blogging about the highs and lows of Corporate life
- The job search from the hiring side, instead of the candidate side
- Or haikus about being in a staffing firm, examples by Tom to follow

I'm not sure what to do. I could always just post my random thoughts on life, but I'm 98% sure no one would care, or read. So there is the dilemma. I would like it to be related to the original title, but if not thats fine. So, any input is appreciated.

Haikus:
This stapler of mine
It joins paper together
So I don't lose them

Your bad penmanship
Makes it hard to read your name
No paycheck for you

Your resume is
absolutely terrible
no success for you

My job is to be
a headhunter but I don't
shink heads, tragic'ly

A new blog post!

Well, its been a while since my last blog post. I would love to have some long, witty, post about something, but thats partly why I haven't made a post in a while. I just don't have anything to talk about. Save for right now, which, ironically, I'm talking about not having anything to talk about. Isn't that neato? I don't like doing those "Hey, let me tell you about what I've been doing!" posts, but I feel I owe something to the both of you who have me on an RSS feed, and those of you who checked my away message today. So here it is, Ben, this is your life! (Or more accurately, your last few weeks)

Believe it or not, I've been busy. Its been a really nice change of pace actually feeling like an adult, going on interviews, and meeting people. Although none of the places I interviewed with decided that I was a good fit for them, I feel I learned a bit, or at the very least, practiced interviewing. So now I can better gauge during the interview how long it will take for them to say no. And in the natural spirit of hatred and loathing, you are no longer my friend if you pay for advertising from Cline Davis Mann and Kirschenbaum Bond, or gain cheap, low income housing from Community Access. And in writing that last sentence, Just Shoot Me came on directly after Yes Dear, and I accidentally watched 17 seconds of it, thus dying a little on the inside.

Headhunting firms are the coolest invention ever. Not only are they called headhunting firms, which makes me feel like they travel around Manhattan with spears trying to find me jobs, only to shrink that job down and use it as festive tribal decorations, but they're job is to find me a job. For some, perverse reason, I feel great being treated like some natural resource. I especially like it when I go in, have the headhunter tell me that its going to be tough finding a job that I would be fit for, only to have her invite me back in a week to interview for a job at that staffing firm.

Come to think of it, that about sums up the last few weeks. Interviews and following up with them. It was good to be busy and have something to do. Now I'm back to the usual bump and grind, however, my lovely room mate and a good family friend gave me books about what to do in NYC that don't cost (or cost little) money. So stay tuned for fun reviews about which of these are fun, and which food is actually good. Also, my next post will be a rant, I've been reading too much stupid stuff lately, and there's a 89% chance that my blog will fall into that category, but I'm writing it anyway.


PS, this may be old, but this man is a genius.

2 to 3 years experience required

As a recent college graduate with no internship experience or office experience I assumed that once I hit the job market I would be looking for "entry-level" jobs. It only made sense. Me being someone that wanted enter into the corporate world at an entry-level position. As I hit the job boards however, I found that "entry-level" actually means you need 2 to 3 years of experience. Am I the only one that this doesn't make sense to? Was I lied to as a child? Under this logic, any job can be an "entry level" job. I don't feel like I'm making any sense except to me, so here are a few examples that I came across that sparked this post.

Job Title: Receptionist
Job Responsibilities:
Answer and direct all incoming calls in a timely and courteous manner
Welcome all visitors in a courteous manner
Administer the conference room schedule of 12 conference rooms
Process food/catering requests and place orders with contract vendors
Qualifications: Strong customer service skills and TWO YEARS experience.
Source: http://www.forrestsolutions.com/careers/jobs.shtml#accounting-office-support

Thats right ladies and gentlemen, you need to have been in the corporate world for two years to be qualified to answer phones, welcome people, and accept an order of general Tso's chicken for Ted from marketing. I can easily see this as an entry level position, a place to learn about a company before they move you to a position with more responsibility, but the fact that they require you to be working for two years and still call this "entry-level" is, well, just wrong.

Job Title: Administrative Assistant
Job Responsibilities:
General administrative duties (filing, faxing)
Maintain calendars
Handling high volume of phone calls internal and external
Coordinate travel arrangements
Process Travel and Expense reports Qualifications: Strong attention to detail, strong computer skills, 3 years experience, bachelors degree.
Source: http://www.careerbuilder.com

3 years? I think they're just messing with us. They're clever at the wording, but once again, this position is no more than filing, faxing, copying, and scheduling business trips but making sure no one has to pay for them. No one needs 3 years of corporate experience to do this job. I could have done it before college. Hell, I could have done it when I finished my computers class in 8th grade.

So companies want to make sure they have qualified people working their positions. Isn't that what the interview and first few months of employment are for? I seriously question whether anyone who has worked in finance for 3 years (the area that the second job was looking for) would ever take that job. Maybe this whole world works a lot differently than I thought. But every single "entry-level" job requires two to three years experience. And more pertinent to my situation, how the hell do you start out?

Homecoming

Whoever invented the idea of homecoming weekend, and whoever perfected it by adding Chuck's and Faegans to the equation deserves the Congressional Medal of Honor. Nothing takes away from the tedium of unemployment, and plays into the delusion that I have no responsibilities and am just in fact on a long school break that involves resumes than going back to the old stomping grounds and spending time with loved ones. And by loved ones, I mean my girlfriend, friends, and Guy the bartender.


And so I return to my Queens apartment, tired, sick, and...well...in the exact same place I was when I left, except sans a few dollars. Despite the wonderful delusion experienced over the weekend, I still return to the reality that I am still unemployed. I still have nothing to do. Employers still won't answer my calls, or talk to me in any way. And I still don't have the necessary 2-3 years experience required for pretty much any "entry" level position (a future blog to be done on this topic).

Which brings me to my next paragraph and therefore new thought. I am rapidly developing a hatred for a new pet peeve, one that I was subjected to many times this weekend. Many times during a conversation, people will ask what I do with my time. I'll spare you the further intricacies of the conversation, but it usually ends with "dude, you need a job." Yes. I know. Thank you for the heads up. If it was as easy as waking up and saying I want a job, then poof you get one, this blog would be a sports blog. Going up to someone who is actively looking for a job and saying "you need a job" is the equivalent of going up to someone with the clap and saying "you need to get rid of that." No shit Sherlock.

Expect another blog in the next few days, I have no job leads to follow up on, and all the job boards have been relatively quiet, giving me even less to do during the day.

A confession

I come before you as a humbled man. I am a whore. Yes, I admit it. I am a complete and utter whore. Last night I rooted for a team other than my core teams (Who all seem to have made the conscious decision not to have a winning season/post season). And the reason I pimped out my cheers and jeers? Free beer. Yes, simply by pretending I was a Florida Gators fan, I was able to partake of an all you can drink smörgåsbord.

If you ever have the chance to partake of a college themed bar party, do it. I don't care if you're dying wife is giving birth to triplets named Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, and Brett Favre. This bar is worth it. For a measly 25 dollars at the door (which I actually managed to avoid with some daring Sam Fischer moves), and a declaration of your allegiance to the team in favor at this bar, yes you too get to drink all you want of any drink in the bar. And just when you thought it couldn't get any better, they automatically bring you a Jaeger bomb every time said team scores a touchdown.

So after my daring Sam Fischer (I'll keep making this Splinter Cell reference, because Sam Fischer is balls) move, I drank as much as my little heart wanted for free. Nowhere, in the entire world could something better come up for someone on my income ($0 for those keeping track). And I encourage every other unemployed man, woman, and child out there to pimp themselves out to the other schools. How much whoring am I willing to do? My next stop after writing this blog is to check out the major Pac 10, SEC, and ACC alumni association to see if they have any of these events posted for next weekend.

My heart always bleeds Orange, but sometimes that just because I've had so many free Blue Moons, that it has no other choice...