The perfect Patriots?

So the New England Patriots have gone undefeated, and are one week away from possibly attaining a perfect season. After they beat the Chargers in the AFC championship game, I lost interest in this story. Until I learned a dark secret. A secret that before now, has gone unspoken except by those who first concocted this scheme in the preseason. Yes, you guessed it. The Patriots perfect season was actually conceived by George W. Bush and the neocons in order to solidify their power and stranglehold over America. The evidence is there, and it’s so coincidental, that it has to be true. I am going to bust this evil wide open, and show the world what really happened. The truth.

Think about it. It has been 7 years since George Bush was sworn in as President of the United States. Everyone knows that once people are in power, people just want more power regardless to the cost, or lack of necessity for it. It’s just what people do. So what better way to show and consolidate his power than by causing something that has never happened before. And like any top-secret government plot, they left clues behind. Unfortunately no one was able to uncover these clues until now. And here they are for you’re truthiness pleasure.

Lets look at the team he chose first off. The Patriots. My God, its so simple. It was right in front of our eyes. The New England PATRIOTS. What team could be considered more American, that one whose mascot is exactly what every red blooded American is “Supposed” to be. What better way to subtly consolidate the grip on America. So many said that going for a perfect season couldn’t be done. Much like winning the war in Iraq. A bold statement by President Bush, subtly showing that the impossible is possible. A little convenient if you ask me. It’s a little too much of a coincidence. But what arguments is valid without proof. Well, here is your so demanded proof.

Here is what first tipped me off to the Patriots conspiracy. As I said before, every government agency leaves behind clues when they do their evil. Take a look at the Patriots numbers. If you add up numbers of:

Tom Brady, Randy Moss, Wes Welker, second string QB Matt Cassel, Junior Seau, every offensive lineman on the roster, running backs Kevin Faulk and Lawrence Maloney, second string QB Matt Cassel again, practice squad defensive tackle Santonio Thomas, Asante Samuel, Donte Stallworth

And subtract Chad Jackson’s number you get 911. Yes. I know, it was so obvious, how could anyone miss it? But there is even more. Take a standard, 20 dollar bill.


Now fold it once in half horizontally.

Now fold it in half again vertically.

Now fold it diagonally in both ways.

Now spiral both ends together, so it turns into something resembling a handlebar moustache. Take the two “moustache ends” and tie them together in a Langford double knot. If you did it correctly, it should come out looking like this:



I know, I passed out briefly when I saw it first too. Its like Chris Angel came in and mind fucked you. So now that this conspiracy is out in the open, its time to spread the word. Just make sure you don’t go the route of Bill Belichick. Yes, in every government conspiracy, there is required one scapegoat. Like the Taliban on 911, someone has to be to blame. So George Bush pushed the heat on Coach Belichick early on by easily planting fake cameras to place blame on good old Bill. How else could someone so lovable, so hobo like do something wrong? He’s never done anything shady in his football career, why would he start now? Therein lies the fault of your plan, Mr. Bush.

So there you have it. The conspiracy revealed. But on a serious note, this is what conspiracy theories sound like to me. Absolute lunacy. Seriously, coincidence does not show causality, get your dicks out of your mouths, and learn how to formulate an argument.