Available upon request

Here's some advice for those of you who have resumes. Take a look at it, go to the bottom. No, after where you list education. If it says "References available upon requests" take it off, you look like an idiot. Of course your references are available, if they're not, you don't get the job. I'm not biting into those who list they're references, which I hear is quite common on CVs. Putting "references available upon request" is so asinine and redundant. If the company wants your references, they'll ask. They don't need you to prompt them with that little bit of assurance that it is ok for them to ask for your references.

I'm probably getting worked up over something stupid, but for someone who screens resumes from 8-6 everyday, I hate reading over a great resume that finishes up with "references available upon request." No shit they are. Despite your 5 years of being a benefits strategist, you still look like an idiot to me. Whats even worst, some people (usually the same as the aforementioned) also decide for some reason to put down their interests and hobbies. Unless you're applying to be the local jackass, and are catering your resume as such, no one cares if you're an avid golfer or a bike enthusiast.

So the moral of the story, you only have a few pages to make your paper debut, don't use the space to look like an idiot.

Hey, a blog!

Well, to update everyone, I have a job. Yes, everyone's favorite biweekly blogger about being unemployed is no longer unemployed. The irony that really twitters my knickers, (yes, I did just make that up) is that my job is to help people find jobs. I work at a staffing firm that specializes in staffing human resource jobs. So for 3 months of frustration and not finding a job, I am being trained in how to be an expert in exactly that, finding jobs.

So that is the excitement in my life. But now comes down to the real purpose of this blog. Being the egotistical writer that I am, I assume that everyone reading my blog wants to make sure that I am still going to continue writing. So I lay the problem at the feet of my readers. What should I write about now? The brief brainstorming that I have done with myself and others, has lead me to the following ideas. A few notes though, I don't like to blog for the sake of updating people on my life. If you want to know that, ask me. I feel a blog should have a topic, or several. I can do both honest posts, or satirical. The choice is yours faithful viewers!

Here are the ideas I or friends have come up with,

- Blogging about the highs and lows of Corporate life
- The job search from the hiring side, instead of the candidate side
- Or haikus about being in a staffing firm, examples by Tom to follow

I'm not sure what to do. I could always just post my random thoughts on life, but I'm 98% sure no one would care, or read. So there is the dilemma. I would like it to be related to the original title, but if not thats fine. So, any input is appreciated.

Haikus:
This stapler of mine
It joins paper together
So I don't lose them

Your bad penmanship
Makes it hard to read your name
No paycheck for you

Your resume is
absolutely terrible
no success for you

My job is to be
a headhunter but I don't
shink heads, tragic'ly

A new blog post!

Well, its been a while since my last blog post. I would love to have some long, witty, post about something, but thats partly why I haven't made a post in a while. I just don't have anything to talk about. Save for right now, which, ironically, I'm talking about not having anything to talk about. Isn't that neato? I don't like doing those "Hey, let me tell you about what I've been doing!" posts, but I feel I owe something to the both of you who have me on an RSS feed, and those of you who checked my away message today. So here it is, Ben, this is your life! (Or more accurately, your last few weeks)

Believe it or not, I've been busy. Its been a really nice change of pace actually feeling like an adult, going on interviews, and meeting people. Although none of the places I interviewed with decided that I was a good fit for them, I feel I learned a bit, or at the very least, practiced interviewing. So now I can better gauge during the interview how long it will take for them to say no. And in the natural spirit of hatred and loathing, you are no longer my friend if you pay for advertising from Cline Davis Mann and Kirschenbaum Bond, or gain cheap, low income housing from Community Access. And in writing that last sentence, Just Shoot Me came on directly after Yes Dear, and I accidentally watched 17 seconds of it, thus dying a little on the inside.

Headhunting firms are the coolest invention ever. Not only are they called headhunting firms, which makes me feel like they travel around Manhattan with spears trying to find me jobs, only to shrink that job down and use it as festive tribal decorations, but they're job is to find me a job. For some, perverse reason, I feel great being treated like some natural resource. I especially like it when I go in, have the headhunter tell me that its going to be tough finding a job that I would be fit for, only to have her invite me back in a week to interview for a job at that staffing firm.

Come to think of it, that about sums up the last few weeks. Interviews and following up with them. It was good to be busy and have something to do. Now I'm back to the usual bump and grind, however, my lovely room mate and a good family friend gave me books about what to do in NYC that don't cost (or cost little) money. So stay tuned for fun reviews about which of these are fun, and which food is actually good. Also, my next post will be a rant, I've been reading too much stupid stuff lately, and there's a 89% chance that my blog will fall into that category, but I'm writing it anyway.


PS, this may be old, but this man is a genius.

2 to 3 years experience required

As a recent college graduate with no internship experience or office experience I assumed that once I hit the job market I would be looking for "entry-level" jobs. It only made sense. Me being someone that wanted enter into the corporate world at an entry-level position. As I hit the job boards however, I found that "entry-level" actually means you need 2 to 3 years of experience. Am I the only one that this doesn't make sense to? Was I lied to as a child? Under this logic, any job can be an "entry level" job. I don't feel like I'm making any sense except to me, so here are a few examples that I came across that sparked this post.

Job Title: Receptionist
Job Responsibilities:
Answer and direct all incoming calls in a timely and courteous manner
Welcome all visitors in a courteous manner
Administer the conference room schedule of 12 conference rooms
Process food/catering requests and place orders with contract vendors
Qualifications: Strong customer service skills and TWO YEARS experience.
Source: http://www.forrestsolutions.com/careers/jobs.shtml#accounting-office-support

Thats right ladies and gentlemen, you need to have been in the corporate world for two years to be qualified to answer phones, welcome people, and accept an order of general Tso's chicken for Ted from marketing. I can easily see this as an entry level position, a place to learn about a company before they move you to a position with more responsibility, but the fact that they require you to be working for two years and still call this "entry-level" is, well, just wrong.

Job Title: Administrative Assistant
Job Responsibilities:
General administrative duties (filing, faxing)
Maintain calendars
Handling high volume of phone calls internal and external
Coordinate travel arrangements
Process Travel and Expense reports Qualifications: Strong attention to detail, strong computer skills, 3 years experience, bachelors degree.
Source: http://www.careerbuilder.com

3 years? I think they're just messing with us. They're clever at the wording, but once again, this position is no more than filing, faxing, copying, and scheduling business trips but making sure no one has to pay for them. No one needs 3 years of corporate experience to do this job. I could have done it before college. Hell, I could have done it when I finished my computers class in 8th grade.

So companies want to make sure they have qualified people working their positions. Isn't that what the interview and first few months of employment are for? I seriously question whether anyone who has worked in finance for 3 years (the area that the second job was looking for) would ever take that job. Maybe this whole world works a lot differently than I thought. But every single "entry-level" job requires two to three years experience. And more pertinent to my situation, how the hell do you start out?

Homecoming

Whoever invented the idea of homecoming weekend, and whoever perfected it by adding Chuck's and Faegans to the equation deserves the Congressional Medal of Honor. Nothing takes away from the tedium of unemployment, and plays into the delusion that I have no responsibilities and am just in fact on a long school break that involves resumes than going back to the old stomping grounds and spending time with loved ones. And by loved ones, I mean my girlfriend, friends, and Guy the bartender.


And so I return to my Queens apartment, tired, sick, and...well...in the exact same place I was when I left, except sans a few dollars. Despite the wonderful delusion experienced over the weekend, I still return to the reality that I am still unemployed. I still have nothing to do. Employers still won't answer my calls, or talk to me in any way. And I still don't have the necessary 2-3 years experience required for pretty much any "entry" level position (a future blog to be done on this topic).

Which brings me to my next paragraph and therefore new thought. I am rapidly developing a hatred for a new pet peeve, one that I was subjected to many times this weekend. Many times during a conversation, people will ask what I do with my time. I'll spare you the further intricacies of the conversation, but it usually ends with "dude, you need a job." Yes. I know. Thank you for the heads up. If it was as easy as waking up and saying I want a job, then poof you get one, this blog would be a sports blog. Going up to someone who is actively looking for a job and saying "you need a job" is the equivalent of going up to someone with the clap and saying "you need to get rid of that." No shit Sherlock.

Expect another blog in the next few days, I have no job leads to follow up on, and all the job boards have been relatively quiet, giving me even less to do during the day.

A confession

I come before you as a humbled man. I am a whore. Yes, I admit it. I am a complete and utter whore. Last night I rooted for a team other than my core teams (Who all seem to have made the conscious decision not to have a winning season/post season). And the reason I pimped out my cheers and jeers? Free beer. Yes, simply by pretending I was a Florida Gators fan, I was able to partake of an all you can drink smörgåsbord.

If you ever have the chance to partake of a college themed bar party, do it. I don't care if you're dying wife is giving birth to triplets named Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, and Brett Favre. This bar is worth it. For a measly 25 dollars at the door (which I actually managed to avoid with some daring Sam Fischer moves), and a declaration of your allegiance to the team in favor at this bar, yes you too get to drink all you want of any drink in the bar. And just when you thought it couldn't get any better, they automatically bring you a Jaeger bomb every time said team scores a touchdown.

So after my daring Sam Fischer (I'll keep making this Splinter Cell reference, because Sam Fischer is balls) move, I drank as much as my little heart wanted for free. Nowhere, in the entire world could something better come up for someone on my income ($0 for those keeping track). And I encourage every other unemployed man, woman, and child out there to pimp themselves out to the other schools. How much whoring am I willing to do? My next stop after writing this blog is to check out the major Pac 10, SEC, and ACC alumni association to see if they have any of these events posted for next weekend.

My heart always bleeds Orange, but sometimes that just because I've had so many free Blue Moons, that it has no other choice...

Man vs. Wild

What's the greatest thing to come out of England besides America? No, not DPhils as some of my Oxford subscribers will say. The greatest human being to ever walk this Earth, Bear Grylls. He's come under a lot of criticism in the past few months, even a lawsuit from Discovery for saying he claimed he did everything on his show by himself. Well, guess what, he did according to the lovely legal world. So now he's back, and watching his show is an unemployed man's dream.

Let me describe my world to you. The majority of my day is spent right here, on the far right side of the couch (I prefer the right side to the left, if my arm gets tired using them mouse on the cushion part, viola! I have an arm rest to quell my mouse using pains). The majority of my day is spent here, perusing various job websites, checking my email, and pretending to respond to the many interview offers that I receive. So when a show like Man vs. Wild comes on, seemingly once every other hour, that will take me away to a exotic places in the world and show me how to eat bugs and find water in them so I won't die, it is a dream come true.

I think survival skills are the manliest, most unique skills in the world to know. And Bear Grylls knows more than most people could ever hope to know. Just seeing that someone still knows and can use these skills makes me want to be him. Yes he pees on his underwear and wears it as a hat to prevent over heating, but in some sick sadistic way, I want to do that. I want to eat the grub, make the bow out of a tree and shoot piranhas, and escape from quicksand. And I want to know how to do it in every environment that this plant has to offer.

But alas, the most I will ever know is how to survive the day in my apartment. Which is pretty easy when the hardest thing in the day is either writing a cover letter, or unclogging the bathroom sink.

Red Sox Nation

I'll just come out and declare where my loyalties lye. I'm a Chargers and an Angels fan, with a slight appreciation for New York City teams. That being said, this post is induced from a couple articles I read, and also the “football game” that took place this last Sunday night. And with both Yankees and Red Sox fans reading this blog, there should be some fun reactions.

So maybe this should have been said earlier on in baseball season, and maybe I should move on to the emotional orgasm that is football season, but as of right now, nothing irritates me more than this “Red Sox Nation” crap. So you have fans in other cities, well I have news for you, so does every other franchise in sports (except for the Milwaukee Brewers, I’ll grant you that). Just because you won a championship, does not mean every person in this great country of ours wants to lick the franchises proverbial asshole.

“But Ben,” you may say, “its about how there are so MANY Red Sox fans that show up to other cities’ games.” Poppycock, I say. Every Angels vs. Yankees game I’ve gone to ALWAYS has more Yankees fans at them then Red Sox fans at Angels vs. Red Sox games. Enough of a difference that I can clearly see more. Should that make this a Yankees nation?

Maybe it’s the fact that you haven’t won it all since shortly after cars were invented, and you aren’t used to “fair weather fans,” but thinking the whole nation worships your shit? Come on, who are we, Scott Timpano? Yes, you had a winning team, and still do, one of the best in baseball right now, and a movie made after your team. But seriously, that movie was Fever Pitch, Angels in the Outfield is a classic.

But I digress. To sum up, everyone has fans in other cities, deal with it. No Red Sox nation, I’d move to France.

Welcome to The Unemployed Dream! This is my cliche post about what my blog will supposedly be about. I'm making this partly as a way to vent or write about my quest to live the dream in New York City. The catch? I'm unemployed, and in the city with one of the highest costs of living in the world, a steady income is a much needed thing. So hopefully I will have enough antics and anecdotes to fill a blog. I will also probably blog on various sports goings on, as I am an avid follower of professional sports, and I watch sports center about 3 times a day with all my spare time.

It will be a story filled with suspense, frustration, excitement, stream of conscience writing, and if it weren't for the automatic spell check, many, many spelling mistakes. So welcome to the world of unemployment.